Empty

Happiness- the quality or state of being happy. Happiness has been with me for the past months. All of the drama for the past year evaporated and I am occupied with glee. Happiness fills my every being. It healed me. Being good at school, Having new friends, Moving on from past failures, Growth in the community, Playing the sport that I love. Everything. Everything that happened for the past months was nothing but pure happiness. And I have to admit, amidst all these I can feel the sadness.

I don't know, for the past days I am not feeling normal. It's like I haven't felt sadness for the longest time that when it came back it is bugging the hell out of me. I suddenly feel empty. I do not know what to do. It's really annoying me. And it has affected my relationship with my family, with my friends, and with my God badly.

I'm easily pissed when I'm at home because I can see all the mess, all the unorganized decisions and practices. And all of this happened when my dad decided to go to the US. Well, I thought that we can do it, but apparently, we can't. I miss him. He is the organizer and our planner. He pulls everything. He binds everything. And without him, our house is a mess. Every time I go home, I feel like I don't get the relaxing feeling that I should get because I'm home, instead I miss my dorm and wants to get out of our house as early as possible. Home is where the heart is but I guess my heart does not feel the home in our house.

My friends. I have not been with them for the past weeks. I have been busy for school and my community. I usually hang out with them every weekends but for the past weeks I'm stuck with either my school [studying and volleyball] or with the community. I lost communication with them and I don't know the latest about them. Although I am having a great time with my school friends, I am neglecting the friends I grew up with. Not only with my childhood friends but also my high school/ dlsu friends. I miss them. And know I'm with them, I can't seem to relate with them. I am lost.

My God. I am kinda disappointed. I know that he gave me this situation because he knows I can handle it. But No. I am messed up. I am not mad. I'm just a little bit disappointed. With everything that I am doing for him, I can't seem to feel the fruits of it. I know that I'm kinda unreasonable. But I can't help it. I'm really messed up. I know he will help me pull this off, but can you help me pull this off now? Please Lord, I don't want this feeling.

Last night, when I said that I need my alone time on Facebook, I did get it even for a few hours. Then I realized. I'm nor full or half-full. I am Empty.